Towel Turban Man!

With the power to wrap a towel around his head like a turban!

T. T. Man: "Stop, thief!"

Thief: "Or what? What are you gonna do about it?"

(Whoosh! TT Man wraps the nearest towel around his head.) "Ha! Take that villain."

Thief: "Wait...that's it?"

TTM: "Yeah... pretty much.

Overly Polite Man

Fighting crime, but not at the expense of manners!

OPM (Talking to a bank robber): "Um, excuse me sir, but... sir, if you'd step away from the teller please that'd be...No...Sir please don't take her hostage, that's... Sir if you could just listen... sir, sir? Sir, I know you're busy and all, but you really can't... Sir, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to step away... Please stop firing into the crowd... No si-sir! Sir, please don't run off, you...sir? Sir! Geez, how rude!"

Beauracrat Man!

Fighting crime, as long as you initial in all the right places!

Distraught woman: "Beauracrat Man! Generic Bad Guy Guy is taking over the city!"

BM: Right, "I'm on it!" (Pulls out a giant stack of papers) "If you could just sign these, I'll file for a liscence to perform acts of superhero daring-do."

Woman: "What? We don't have time to sign papers! Generic Bad Guy Guy is about to take over the...

BM: "I know, I know, but if I don't have these signed and sent to the main office of the Beauracrat, I could get a requisition to get a requisition to get a fine!" (Pointing to paper) "Sign here...and here...and initials here..."

Three hours and five tubes of Bengay later...

BM: "Okay, I'm going to file these to lower management, and they'll file these to upper management, and you can expect me to do something after somewhere between three weeks and half a year."

Vague Man

Doing something... in the name of... something!

VM:"Stop doing stuff, person!"

Thief: "Or what?"

VM: "I'll do something!"

Thief: "Do what?"

VM: "Something different from what I'm doing at this moment in time!"

Thief: "It's hard to be afraid of that. Can you be more specific?"

VM: "I will do something, and something will happen, and you will end up doing something different from what you're doing now!"

Thief: "Yeah, I think I'm just gonna take my money and go now. (Walks away)"

(Vague Man raises his hand, and the thief gets struck by lightning) "I did something. Now to go someplace and have a thing, maybe do something."

Sexual Innuendo Man!

With the power to turn anything people says into a sexual innuendo!

Woman: Someone stole my purse!

SIM: I'd sure like to steal your purse.

(Slap)

Female Evil genius: "I will take over the city with this death ray!"

SIM: "I'd sure like to take my death ray and take over your..."

(Zap!)

Squirrel: "Chitter Chatter!"

SIM: "Chit Chitter Chitter!"

(And thousands of squirrels descended on SIM, so that doesn't really have a sound effect.)

And finally, the most potent ineffective superhero in our little Justice League today!

Ness, the Magical Wizard who Says Odd Things

The title says it all.

Robber: "This is a bank robbery, in case you couldn't tell!"

Ness (Coming in from the skylight): "Stop stealing the tasty yogurt from the pickle pirates, crazy evil kitty litter pan!"

Robber: "You ain't gonna stop... wait, what?"

Ness: "There comes a time in every paramecium's breakfast time when they have to wear the pointy shoes of evil and accept the offering of eggplant from the cardboard ninjas!"

Robber: "What does that mean? I'm confused!" (Holding head, swaying)

Ness: "And when the cows come out of the thimble, you will find the remote control under the third Denver eating cowpats with the King of Processed Sewing Llamas!"

(The Robber falls to the ground)

Astonished Bank Teller: The wizard's statements were so incoherent they confused the robber to the point of annurism!

Ness: And now to glomp the ladies of cheese! (Flies off)

Woman: This is a wierd town...